100% Feathered

Dick Duck

The gentleman's magazine for the discerning drake.

The premiere issue · Collector's edition

Duck of the Month: Dick bares it all(It's feathers. It's all feathers. You perverts.)
Bread is killing usAn exposé the pigeons don't want you to read.
12 ways to quack with confidencePlus: is your bill too big? Ladies say no.
Farmer Bob: "I know what's in the pond"The interview, page 42. He would not say what's in the pond.
Waterproofing secrets of the starsYes, it's lotion. Of course it's lotion.

DD-0001 · Display behind the birdseed

Dick Duck: Lost in Space

Our cover star floated off during the photo shoot. Try to grab him. Go ahead.

Tap or grab him

Grab attempts: 0 · Catches: 0

Inside this issue

The articles you'll swear you bought it for

The Pond Report

Real estate in the reeds is out of control. One drake paid four worms and a bottle cap for a lily pad with no view.

Business · p. 18

Migration Without Tears

2,000 miles in a V formation and somebody always has to be the point of the V. Our road-trip etiquette guide.

Travel · p. 27

The Bread Question

Nutritionists say it's junk. Old men on benches say it's love. We sent our reporter in with a baguette and a wire.

Investigations · p. 33

Fashion: Plumage Season

This fall it's all about the iridescent green head. Again. It's always the green head. Nobody is complaining.

Style · p. 51

Fiction: "Fifty Shades of Teal"

A brooding drake. A misunderstood goose. A pond that keeps secrets. Rated PG-13, because it's ducks, you degenerates.

Fiction · p. 64

Gear: Water Off a Duck's Back

We test six lotions so you don't have to. The Sandwich Lotion Studio blend wins. We were not paid. We were paid in bread.

Reviews · p. 70

Duck of the Month

The centerfold · Tasteful. Fully feathered. Somehow still scandalous.

NameDick
SpeciesMallard, and proud of it
HometownA retention pond behind a Costco
Turn-onsSourdough, long glides at sunset, a firm wing
Turn-offsGeese, leaf blowers, people who say "quack" at him
AmbitionTo be taken seriously as an actor
WearingFeathers. Same as always.

We sat down with Dick at his favorite spot, the overflow drain by the parking lot. He showed up in nothing but his natural plumage and a smoking jacket he refused to explain.

"People hear the name and they get ideas," he told us, adjusting his top hat. "Dick is a family name. My father was Dick. His father was Richard, but he went by Dick because the other ducks wouldn't stop asking."

"I'm more than a pretty bill. I have layers. Mostly down."

Ask Dr. Quackers

Advice for the modern drake

"My wife says I spend too much time preening. How do I know if it's a problem?"

If you've missed a migration because your tail feathers weren't "popping," it's a problem. Twenty minutes a day, max. Then go eat a snail like a man.

"A swan keeps looking at me. Should I be flattered or scared?"

Scared. Always scared. A swan has never once had good intentions in the history of water.

"Is it weird that I like the guy at the pond who brings oats instead of bread?"

That's not weird, that's growth. Hold onto him.

From the Art Department

Official portraits · Fully feathered

Cartoon Dick Duck in a top hat and space helmet, floating among the stars next to a slice of toast — Houston, we have a drake.

Cartoon Dick Duck dodging a giant reaching hand in space — Look, don't touch.

Cartoon Dick Duck in a top hat and smoking jacket on a lily pad at sunset, holding a tiny bottle of lotion — Waterproofed. Moisturized. In his lane.